Facing Fear

One of the first images I took in my inspirational series for Agitprop, was that of a spider web. When I created this site I had about three photos, I had a print screen of myself in Final Fantasy 15, I had me at Summer in the City and I had me doing a Childline Campaign, and I really was like trying to make something magical out of these photos and they truly were a mess. The first version of the site was just completely absurd and didn’t work. So I took some time off to go out and just practise, practise, practise taking photos of different things in nature.

During this time I took a lot of space to research and find out about wellness and practises we can do to secure a positive sense of self. One of those was, exploring nature, giving your time to things that matter to you, whether a formal organisation or just being kinder to people. So I’ve always wanted to do a nature-focused project where I can film or narrate wildlife. The problem is, I’m pretty scared of everything haha! OR allergic. So it’s not a great starting point for a long term project, but this is all about growth so I started small. I ventured out to the areas around the South Downs in the UK, started to find wildflowers my grandparents had taught me about. Then I started to pluck up the courage to photo close up of the creepy crawleys. And I got this fabulous photo of a spider web bejeweled with morning dew.

So not too long after this, I got a real sense of direction for what I wanted to show on Agitprop. I wanted it to be like how I see things, I’m always looking for bright and bold visuals and to me, the colors are always turned up. I began to build more photography and put some of the tools I use in my life online to get people to try new things too. And I started to ponder. What was it about these creepy creatures that actually scared me? I’m not really too sure. I can always remember my mum telling me that she was bitten by a spider as a child and there were several house spiders that came into far too close proximity to me for my liking. But overall I couldn’t work out what part of them I didn’t like.

And I was lying in bed at my family home, and I was pulling my mattress over me and out of the shadows sprinted this beast. Probably about 12cm across, a giant house spider. Clearly trying to scare the living shit out of me and in my reaction, I jumped up, grabbed a shoe and killed it. And I felt horrendous because it was like a big animal thing. Like how could I have hurt the spider, it was bigger than the mice that live in the cornfields here so I just didn’t enjoy it. So after that point, I decided I had to get over this fear of spiders and I went out and started to follow things on social media that gave closeups of the spiders. All the crazy bug Instagram accounts and one I really love is @Insecthaus_adi Some of the images are basically him with a beast on his face, but now when I scroll through my feed occasionally I’m surprised by these flamboyant insects that are super unique, colorful and equipped with unbelievable abilities.

So as I began to process my fears, I started to gain a fascination for these little critters and I am definitely in a space today, that I don’t really have the reactions I did before. Not just when a spider runs over me, but for a number of things that have held me back in my life. Being around other creatures that inhabit this world and appreciating what makes them unique, gives you insight in return. It definitely shifts your perspective.