Clearing Out Old Memories Part II

Hey guys!

So this whole lockdown came at such an annoying time for me because I have just started the clear out of my storage units, which have approximately a three-bedroom house worth of furniture from my last two places. So what really came at an annoying time was the restrictions on things like the waste disposal sites, because I had begun to take old furniture out and my kitchenware just before and now I’m kind of at a wall. So I’m annoyed at myself because I could have pretty much sold the items and replaced them for less than I’ve spent holding them, and the moment I’ve reached the point where I feel I can deal with the whole lot, I’m stuck. So it’s an annoying hurdle and I’ll go into that a little bit more.

There is a lot of mental cobwebs around my things. I think it’s a bit of a raw one to type about compared to my normal blogs because when I moved into what I’ll call, my first ‘adult’ apartment, so not working homes or things I was camped out at for smaller periods, but my first proper home. It was something that I was very proud of. I recall the time that my grandad, who was completely oblivious to what I did for work, told me one Christmas, do you not think it’s time to get a job? This was like in the midst of my coming up, so I remember when he saw my apartment he was like gobsmacked because he couldn’t fathom how I’d sustained this amazing house and I was proud of myself. I did that on my own, without any financial support or family help and it was mine. 

I created a space that I could work in, so I had a studio set up in a room with my wigs and spaces for assistants to work on my company's iMacs. I had my lighting and so on, so it was like a place I could just get on with the creation of videos. So that was one of the bedrooms. Now my work process when I was doing YouTube full time, was to market myself, email the leads with all the shit I’ve done in my career, get the money and then produce the videos, so the actuality of having an in-house studio whilst doing my own management was a horrible move. When I look back at videos where I’d just been in convo’s with brands, I’m literally telling everyone watching why I’m good enough to be booked. It’s horrible! And it wasn’t because I spend my life reminding people of my talents, but I was literally doing that to get the funding ten minutes before the video started. It’s not a process people had any insight into, so it was so stupid and it makes me unable to watch some of my videos. I just think I painted an image of myself that doesn’t show who I am. I think that what would have been sensible, was to have a separate office space rented in a communal block for me to edit in, that got me out the house and meeting different people all the time, and actually did more commercial blogs instead of my tutorial set up, so there was a mix. But I can’t change what happened and I’m not complaining. I just see that some of the time within that home was just a set up for disaster, which is what it ultimately became.

Don’t get me wrong, I had everything you could possibly have wished for in terms of things. I had an amazing location, view, decor, massive space, two bedrooms, a huge kitchen and lounge and beautiful furniture, clothes out of some sort of insane wardrobe department and everything was pretty. I loved that aspect of that apartment. But what I’ve finally been ready to talk about is, during 2016, I ended up injuring my eye to the point where I was blinded for 75% of living there and it became debilitating, a pressure cooker of negativity. I think the idea that I had things and I was trying to make things work but couldn’t see to make the finishes right or whatever, was just awful. It was mentally impairing. I pushed through the process of recovery by ignoring it, and it just evolved into such a horrible irrationality that was just awful to go through, and all of that energy just feels like it’s attached to my things from that home. 

It was a horrible experience to go through and I actually moved into another home. Way before I moved my furniture out of the building. That’s how ridiculous it became. That part was not through any trauma or whatever. It was logistical, but I remember because I met my partner when I was going through the final chapter of that house, and he was such a support system because I was obviously on the edge and my anxiety was outrageous. I am so dismissive of my own experiences with mental health and you can’t do that, it just gets worse, which it did. It was not healthy and I am writing this to share it for people going through similar situations. I am very much through the tunnel, but I find there still to this day some lingering elements to it which I have been trying to rationalize and accept. I do still feel outraged towards the people in my circle who were privy to the majority of the experience I went through and didn’t say, we need to get this shit sorted because you are not doing yourself any favors. I know it’s a thing we need to take accountability for as individuals, and I had literally my best friend and my partner, who actually took time to consider what was happening and physically aid me in the transitional period after. But there was a list of people who I shared platforms with, who I was a financial support system to and who I was a genuine friend to, and I feel stupid to have allowed that to take place. So that, in all fairness, is the last bone of contention in my process of recovery, because I accept it, but there were a lot of people who were intrinsic to my story who just watched the unfolding of my mental health with absolutely no intervention.

So the majority of my furniture from that particular home, I put into storage and I am able to purchase more stuff for my homes now, but the memories tied up in that whole mass of things have been emotional. I really wanted to put off going through it but it just had to be done because I’m not being burdened by it anymore, it’s a massive part of my process moving forward. I have so much positive stuff going on and I’ve traveled through the negativity. I needed to make some permanent changes and let things go. So, just before the lockdown was on the table, I began to take all of my personal items and things out of storage, to sell and I have so much that I just haven’t even thought about. One of the things is my taxidermy collection, because I created a shamanistic network in my home using animal totems and it was something that I did as protection. Thank God I did that because there has been a MULTITUDE of things that happened where the results would have been diabolical, but they were part of that experience. I always bought antiques and things that were going to be disposed of, but for now, I don’t want that energy in my life. I don’t want any taxidermy, so I’ve sold all of it. So I’m left with massive heavy items like a root tree table and glass furniture, mirrors, artwork and so on, in storage ready to go. But I can’t get rid of the old shit I don’t want, I can’t get the items sold to people and it’s become a bit of an arduous task. So wish me luck.

Some personal downloads in this one but it should give some insight into the timeline.