Valentines in Lockdown

Hey everyone.

I’ve been completely overwhelmed this winter lockdown because a lot of new work has begun and I’m in a totally different location to my partner, who is currently working on the renovation in France. I decided to spend Christmas time with my family here because my niece was so young, and originally I had a new project coming out this January, so I thought it would be the most sensible option for us and that way we can keep both sides of our lives going. But it’s been a really tough experience for me emotionally because I feel like my family is displaced over two countries. I’ve had a lot of amazing things happening and there is always things to remind me to be grateful, but I think having a little one in my family has made me want my own kids a lot and it’s a very tough experience being bicoastal and LGBT. Lockdown has made me feel like time is running out, which I know makes absolutely no sense, but it doesn’t change that we’re not able to proceed with a lot of the steps you would imagine could be happening around this time.

In addition to this, I’ve been really struggling with dysphoria, partly because of inaccessibility to things that help me and partly because of the energy in the air. I’ve decided to publicly talk about my journey for the first time, but this has been a really bizarre experience for me because I am discussing something that I’ve been going through for nearly twenty years, and unfortunately using social media today is almost cult like. You can’t share your missteps, becuase there is an industry that’s formed around this idea of advocacy that chastises people instead of educates them. There is a lack of representation, and the only viable route presented if you are trans or non binary today, particularly if you’re working on social media is a specific narrative. YouTube’s algorithm does not permit you to be seen anymore and it was an amazing way to work around transphobia in employment.

We have to face discrimination, lack of work opportunities, lack of compassionate understanding in and outside of families, school and work place bullying and then still pay for a list of things that aren’t covered by health insurance or the NHS. And the difference between 2010 to now, is that YouTube was a legitimate income, you could make a better wage than most entry level jobs, even if you had a smaller platform. But that changed years ago, and the difference today is startling. We cannot keep up with this charade that social media can generate a liveable income for trans people and the fact that the only people being booked for mainstream roles are advocates, has created a situation where the system is telling people that if you want to make SOME money, then being an advocate is how you do it. And that has formed this pretty bonkers environment on social media. It’s as sinister as dangling a carrot in front of someone malnourished + telling them that if they keep up the act that they’ll eventually get some food.

This all started around five years ago and we saw the formation of the LGB alliance, we saw some church segregation’s make formal statements about aiming to split the LGBT into individualised categories, and it was a deliberate kickback to the magic that was happening as a result of gender non conforming people finally being able to bypass income barriers. And had I not had a massive cash injection just before this happened, it would have been improbable for me to continue my career path. So I see things from a unique perspective and I can sadly clock the pretence of inclusivity that’s been happening.

So in saying all of this, I want autonomy. I respect the need for a discussion around labels and pronouns, and the importance in cases where identities have been invalidated, but there has to be some strategy to get sustained autonomy. What we can do individually is offer emotional support to each other when it comes to the negatives that we have to face, and that is something that I implore people to do. The things we cannot do is pay everyone’s bills and expenses, as much as we’d like to. Being part of the generation where we created Perfect Androgyny and Androgenetics, which were hubs of all kinds of gender ambiguous people who each were able to support themselves online, I can see first hand the change for the worse.

I’m about to be an official old person as my 30th birthday is coming up in May, I am beginning to feel aware of my part in this, because I was very conscious of what was happening, in real time, but I decided to focus more on my own thing. I think I should have said something publicly and reached out to my peers more then, because I was watching how we were all being played. But I had to keep my own thing happening, I feel slightly guilty and I can’t really explain it. I feel that we all should have got the same positive experience because I live a drastically different lifestyle and it’s not fair. I know I’ve worked tremendously hard and it’s been a case of me doing what I am great at, and nothing has come to me by chance or by mistake, but it feels very dire to me.

I think the only solution to this, if social media continues to dominate peoples general perception and there’s no moves to change the system that prevents you from being seen online, is to format our own outlets and show different examples of people who are great at doing multiple genres of work. If we work collaboratively on ways to increase our incomes then we can get back to that magical moment and these bizarre anti trans campaigns will fall apart. I think young people have been duped into thinking that behaving in the most unpersuasive way, to advocate for our rights, is gonna provide them somehow with an income, and I’m sorry to say it’s not the case. And what’s even more frustrating is that we have a lot of cisgendered people being positioned in the same spaces by the industries capitalising on our ideas, so again, duping people into thinking progress is being made.

A lot of this has been bubbling away and within a recent project, I experienced some of this first hand. I’m not sure what I want to say publicly but I will ensure that if I’m involved with a project, we’ll get some coinz. But I have learnt a few lessons about how best to operate and I think trying to keep a positive energy is the first step of that.

I am super lucky because my family is beyond supportive and I’m glad everyone’s been healthy and happy, but it’s just been bizarre in the UK. 120,000 people have died as a lack of action from our incompetent goverment and the last four months it’s been freezing and wet here. Which dampens the mood even further. So I think there’s a feeling of grief in the air, which will pass and we will create some awesome new energy with the sunshine.

For Valentines I got the most beautiful flowers, my house is full of flowers at the moment which is cheering me up. Which seems absolutely insane to say after writing this, but funny things like flowers can make you smile. I’m focusing more so on healthy practises and keeping myself busy, but hey. My heart goes out to all my community and people who are isolated during this time, I hope we can all get together soon and I want hugs from everyone. When it’s safe LOL!

Love to all.