London Rainy Walks and Self Esteem

Hey everyone!

I was recently invited to do a hotel review in London and one of my sort of self esteem boosting challenges was to actually go out and walk through London on my own. I know that probably sounds a bit bizarre to hear that from Queen Josephine but I have been privately dealing with a lot of anxiety that results from an assault that happened in London some time ago. I have spoken about this a couple of times but I’ve just been still navigating through the echo’s of that incident and sometimes I find myself, not returning to a negative mindset because I am loving my life and having a fabulous time for the most part. But I think that you have to train yourself and your mental health almost like you’d work out your body. I think it’s a constant effort to keep yourself feeling the best you can feel, your brain is not an ephemeral thing. To go left for a sentence - I think the last strictures left to break come from these centuries of the church banning people from discovering medicine and for whatever reason people are happy with funds investigating how muscles and RNA and internal biomes work but when it comes to the brain, people still have this mindset that it’s this mysterious organ when it’s not. It’s there and everyone has one.

You need to find a way of adapting a routine that can keep you in balance, for me, I work every single night for maybe two hours with reading materials, specifically about psychology and spirituality. I have a tendency to navigate to the more out-there side of things but I think there is a common overlap between true spirituality and an understanding of how life is penned. The key there is meditation. It’s the medium in the middle and mindfulness is the best option for anyone that has endured a painful experience that has left indentations on your sense of self.

Part of my sort of thing I give to myself, to do. I kind of think of myself as two people, and I’ve reasoned this with my gender experience. I think it kinda gave me a heads up because when you’re organically a compound of two things, you can see not only the blindly obvious in others but you get used to this idea that you are and you aren't all at one time. And you have this thing that you live in, that’s your body and then you have this awareness that’s actually behind it. I have thoughts and I can think as a reaction to the flowers I’m sitting next to that my God that smell is amazing, in the same way that I can read an article about injustices and think, that is fucking wrong and they should not be able to do that to people. But I’m actually watching those internal reactions as easily as I’m watching the text on the screen and that is something that I use all the time in my work.

When I stop experiencing the text on the screen and I just let things happen, I can just write like I’m writing now and it just comes from something else and I’m not even having a prestructured passage in my head, I’m just letting things happen and I do that with every aspect of my creative work and life. I did not have the easiest upbringing and this brain has arranged mechanisms to defend me and I have so much in my computer that I need to work on rewriting, but it’s a process and as I continue with my blog work I hope to be able to produce more about my self work.

But back to giving myself some tasks to do, I wanted to be able to go across a place I didn’t know very well, on my own and that was what I set myself. I really rely on transport and the underground to get to places and I’m in London every week for work and stuff but I have no idea the layout of the land and that’s kinda stupid. I can do better and I think learning more is never a bad thing. So here is my London walk and a little bit of a treck through my thoughts.

Let me know what tasks you’d set yourself below, and maybe we can touch base on another blog.